That's China For You

There is a Chinese man in my bathroom right now. He doesn’t speak any English, so we are communicating through a medley of sign language, voice inflection and Touba, my waiban (school liaison), via cell phone. All this just to fix a toilet.

“He says he will come back tomorrow morning because he doesn’t have his tools. He has to take the toilet off,” Touba says.

“Off?”

“Yes, off,” she replies, like it’s something normal.

“Umm...ok.” This should be interesting.

So, someone really should have told us that you can’t put toilet paper in the toilet. But, that’s essentially how it goes here. I’m usually just straight up uninformed (the toilet paper situation) or misinformed (we were given the wrong internet password because c and v sound very similar to the non-native-English-speaker’s ear). And even when I am actually informed about something, it can change at a moment’s notice (like this morning when I arrived at my first day of school and was told that one of my classes would be a different level than I had prepared for). That’s China for you.

Now, that may have sounded incredibly bitter and angry, but truthfully, it’s not. This is one of the hugest lessons in cultural differences that I have learned so far, and it’s actually making me ease up on my control-freak tendencies. I know, who’da thunk it. (Ah, I’ve missed being able to use certain Hablinski-isms like that). But in all honesty, I’d go crazy if I didn’t just learn to go with the flow. That should be the country’s slogan or something. It makes me appreciate the efficiency in which things get done in America. Those of you in the States may be scoffing now, but try another country on for size and you’ll see that America runs a pretty tight ship.

However, (and that’s a big however), China trumps America by and large when it comes to road construction. It takes ages – absolutely ages – to finish construction work in America. We all know that. But the day Buffin and I moved into our apartment, it really drove the point home. The street where we live was torn up, repaved and repainted (complete with traffic signage) in less than 24 hours. Bravo.

Which brings me to a very important topic – our home. Buffin and I live near the intersection of Qinzhou and Liuzhou in the Southwest area of Shanghai. We’re where what most people would consider “the outskirts” of the city since it’s not in the middle of everything, but I’m learning to like it more and more. The commute is easy (we’re just a few metro stops away from our school’s headquarters, The French Concession and all the Western restaurant and bars), but it usually ends up taking 45 minutes to an hour to get anywhere because we always end up having to walk a bit.

One of the big positives is that things tend to be cheaper in our neighborhood since it doesn’t cater to expats. There’s a great open-air market right by us that sells fruit, vegetables and (my favorite) fresh noodles. For our first attempt at cooking, we bought a heaping serving for 1 kuai (that’s slang for yuan), which is roughly 17 cents. Paired with our favorite brand of red wine, Imperial Court (its tagline is “Red Wine for Joyful Occasion” – how could you not love that?), it was a delicious meal. Plus, we got to drink it out of the plastic Minnie Mouse cups we bought, so that way we felt super classy. Naturally, I promptly spilled some on the table. You know, just to christen the place. It appears that my magical ability to spill any liquid within a 10-foot radius is just as powerful in China as it is in America.

The apartment is great – much better than I could have hoped for. We have hard wood floors in both bedrooms and tile in the kitchen, and everything has been recently updated (bathroom, kitchen, A/C, furniture, etc.). Neither of us cared which room we got (both had pros and cons), so we just went with whichever room our suitcases were in. I took the smaller room with the bigger bed; Buff has the bigger room with the smaller bed. I think it may be even smaller than a standard twin. The headboard has two cartoon mice on it and is still covered in plastic wrap. My room isn’t without its own kitsch, though. The closet doors are bright red with cartoon Dalmatians on them and gribouille (which I can only assume is French for Dalmatian?) written below. Because, hey why not? Both rooms are accented by neon orange dressers and cabinets. We have a giant flat screen in Buffin’s room (that works most of the time), and a covered, outdoor laundry area attached there as well. Dryers apparently do not exist here. But the walls of our little patio are adorned with images of french fries, hamburgers, strawberries and the phrase “Loving It.” So we have that going for us.

Our place came with most everything we needed, but we did make trips to Carrefour and Trust-Mart (both like Wal-Mart) to stock up on essentials. After our trip to Carrefour, with two huge bags a piece and a set of plastic drawers in between us, Buffin and I realized that we had left the little plastic card that has our address written on it in Chinese at home. Big mistake. That meant we had to take the metro home, hauling all of our crap. Well, if we didn’t already look like conspicuous Western idiots lugging bags of Carrefour goodies through the metro station, then we most certainly did when I attempted to go through the turnstile with said bags and somehow got stuck – with one leg behind me, over the top of one of the spokes. I was essentially straddling the thing. Don’t ask me how I managed that one. So here I am stuck in the turnstile, Buffin and I are laughing so hysterically we are practically peeing in our pants and an entire metro station of Chinese people are crowded around us, gawking and laughing. Did I mention that teaching abroad gives you an incredible opportunity to be a cultural ambassador for your country?

It’s almost been two weeks since I’ve been here, and I’m kind of starting to feel like a resident as opposed to a tourist. I have a bank account with Bank of China (that was a hoot to set up, let me tell you) and a cell phone, too. I’m trying to embrace the culture and lifestyle as best I can, but I’m still holding on to a few remnants of my old life to keep me sane. Buffin brought a bunch of granola bars, beef jerky and cereal, and when that runs out I will most likely cry. We’ve already gone through a giant jar of peanut butter and have visited the Dairy Queen in the metro station. I will bear witness that Oreo Blizzards are just as delicious – if not more so – over here. And tonight we treated ourselves with a visit to the Western grocery store that’s above the metro stop by our school. We made a leafy green salad with fresh mozzarella and balsamic dressing. I have never been more excited for some lettuce and cheese in my entire life.

There is another little luxury that has sustained both Buffin and me even more so than the comfort food – American television and movies. If you know me at all, you know that TV and movies are my drug of choice, so I’m sure you can only imagine the kind of solace it has offered. We quickly raced through the lone Friends DVD that Buffin brought, but, luckily, there is a DVD store right by our school. Last week we got our fix: the entire series thus far of both 30 Rock and Weeds (this is where we started and we’re already on Season 2), Sunshine Cleaning, Love Actually (for Christmas time), The Hangover, Pride & Prejudice: The BBC Miniseries, and Young Victoria. Yes, I was the purchaser of the last two. How’d you know? Each movie is between 8-12 kuai (that’s like $1.30-$2.00). Be jealous.

But don’t be jealous that I’m getting up early tomorrow (on my day off, no less) to let in the toilet repairman. I will be sure to let you know what exactly taking a toilet “off” entails. Oh, China. You’re teaching me so much already.