As Seen On The Streets

Shanghai has this uncanny ability to turn even the most mundane, everyday occurrences into noteworthy experiences. Take, for example, walking down the street. In the ten minutes it takes me to get from my apartment to the metro, I have seen enough bat-shit crazy stuff to provide me with all of the conversation starters I need to survive a lifetime of awkward pauses and uncomfortable situations. I thought I had pretty much seen it all when I lived in New York last summer, but that was the minor leagues. Shanghai is the majors. Here are just a few of the things I am guaranteed to witness on a daily basis:

• Little children...and their genitalia: When it comes to the baby dress code, diapers are more “optional” than “required.” Instead, children who aren’t yet potty trained wear these hilarious pants with a huge chunk of fabric cut out from between the legs. Buffin and I call them split pants, but, honestly, the closest thing I can compare them to are ass-less chaps. Say this out loud right now – “Babies in ass-less chaps.” You can’t tell me that a pee-in-your-pants-inducing image did not just pop into your head. Hineys and hoo-has and wee-wees...oh my.

• The sidewalk being used as a toilet: Well, without diapers, the babies have gotta go somewhere. I’ve seen many a child being held by their parents over drains and trashcans, but most of the time they just straight up squat on the sidewalk. And the other day, Buffin saw a grown man peeing out in the open. For a culture that’s pretty hung up on stuff like physical contact, I find it ironic that they have no problem showing off their business in public.

• Lots and lots of spitting: I had heard that spitting was really common before I came here, but I definitely wasn’t prepared. Loogies are constantly being hocked left and right. Once at a stoplight, our cab driver opened his door and spit on the road. And it’s not just the men; the ladies are in on the action as well. It kind of catches me off guard when I walk by a sweet old grandma who unloads a wad of spit at my feet. Let me leave you with a visual: the ground in the metro sometimes looks like it’s polk-a-dotted. Yeah.

• Pantyhose socks: You know those bras with the clear straps? Sartorially speaking, there is nothing I hate more than those things. Well, maybe kitten heels. I mean, what’s the point? If you’re going to wear heels, go big or go home. But back to the clear bra straps. Hey lady, you’re not fooling anyone. It doesn’t look like you’re wearing a strapless bra, it looks like you’re wearing a bra with some tacky, plastic straps. Well the footwear equivalent of clear bra straps are these pantyhose socks that the Chinese ladies love. They wear them with sandals and heels, or any other shoe that doesn’t allow for regular socks. I understand that you don't want to get blisters and whatnot, sister. I get that. But you just look silly. They are made from lycra and nylon, not the same magical material as Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak.

• Felines galore: Shanghai would be the purr-fect place for Mary Stewart – she’d think she’d died and gone to cat heaven. [MSA – I’m sorry that one off-the-cuff joke on the OU bus junior year has survived this long]. But in all seriousness, this place is crawling with cats of all ages – from kittens to Grizabellas (Broadway reference for a certain Miss Paige Cantrell). Wow, can you tell I’m missing my friends right now? Anyhow, I’ve always been a cat person, but it’s all just a little too much here. What is it about a colony of cats that seems so unsanitary? Maybe it has to do with the image I have in my mind of a crazy, old cat lady living the kind of lifestyle I once saw on an Oprah special about hoarders.

There is a host of other bizarre behavior that I don’t have the energy to get into (people rockin’ PJs during the daytime, chickens being beheaded in plain sight, and so on). Despite the fact that a lot of these things skeeve me out, at least I’m guaranteed a good giggle or two every time I set foot outside my door. And Lord knows I love a good giggle.