Nobody Likes You When You’re 23

Yes, I just quoted Blink 182. God help me. But that song has been stuck in my head ever since my birthday started to creep up on me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that nobody likes me now that I’m 23, but I can guarantee there are a few Chinese people out there who aren’t my biggest fans. They would be the ones who witnessed my one-woman, street performance of the “What Day is Today?” song, a gem we taught our Book 5 kids. What can I say? We had just been to KTV – the Cadillac of karaoke joints – and I guess I just hadn’t gotten my fill of performing. I am a middle child, after all.

So, clearly, my 23rd birthday was a smashing success – as the bruises on my legs can verify. I am so grateful to Buffin and the rest of my new China friends for making sure my far-away-from-home celebration was a good one. If my mom was still forcing me to write thank you notes (I think my hand is still recovering from high school graduation), this is what they would say:

Buffin: There are too many things to thank you for, B-Monkey. Keeping me sane, for one. But since this is birthday specific (and even though I made you promise not to get me anything, you sneaky thing you), please accept my gracious thanks for the:

• Handmade Chinese fortuneteller (especially the part about a certain ex-boyfriend...still getting a good giggle out of that one)
• Chinese fashion magazine (specifically the “Will You Marry Me?” article)
• Chocolate birthday cake that tasted like feet

Helen: First of all, I would like to thank you for taking a two-hour bus ride into Shanghai to celebrate with me. I was really honored that a Yankee would deign to attend the birthday party of a mere Southerner. Secondly, my taste buds would like to thank you for the 20-pack of Orion Moon Pies. My waistline, however, would not. Oh! And also thanks for the candles on my aforementioned foot cake.

Elliot: Lord only knows what inspired you to spoil me like one of those kids on My Super Sweet Sixteen. Many thanks for my:

• Stuffed Expo Man mascot, who will henceforth be the little spoon to my big spoon. I just Googled it and apparently his name is Haibao (treasure of the seas), but I’ll still call him Expo Man, if that’s ok by you.
• Beautiful blue-and-white teacup set
• Dancing flower toy (China: The Land of Kitsch)
• Party decorations, which are still up...and will probably stay up until we leave
• Wine bottle...tuxedo? It looks quite dapper, now.

J+B: Your gift has single handedly changed not only my life, but Buffin’s as well. I think we squealed like children on Christmas morning when I opened the Ikea coffee press and bag of grounds. They will certainly make getting through a day of teaching a little easier. And, also, we won’t be bumming off your stash anymore. Win, win.

Paige: I haven’t been brave enough to try the special Chinese desserts you gave me, but I promise I will man up soon. I also really enjoyed our heart-to-heart. Drunken compliments are really just underrated, non-traditional birthday gifts.

P.S. Lots of a’i (love) to all of my dear ones back home in America (and also those fellow wanderlust-ers in Málaga, España). Thanks for putting up with me these past twenty-three years.

“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” – Confucius

Every day (even here...especially here) you are the ones who make me see it, and I am so very grateful.

Jazz Fest: The ACL of China!

...or not so much, actually. But after missing both Austin City Limits and OU weekend, we had to convince ourselves that we were getting a comparable replacement activity, so that’s what we started calling it. And it turned out to be a really nice day. It was no ACL, mind you, but a pleasant experience nonetheless. You know when you make yourself get the no-sugar-added option at TCBY? [No? Just me? Ok, moving on.] Well, it’s clearly not as good as the regular, calorie-laden soft serve flavors, but it’s still a delicious frozen treat. I mean, how can you not enjoy it? How could we not enjoy a carefree day of outdoor, live music?

And enjoy ourselves we did. Buffin and I had been working non-stop since coming back from Beijing, so we were ready for a fun weekend. [Side note: We were busy making up the days that the kids had missed during the holiday. Kind of defeats the point of a vacation, doesn’t it? Tell that to China.] Helen had popped into town for a last minute visit, so she joined me, Buffin, J+B (our very useful abbreviation for Josh and Becky), and Paige and Emily (two other foreign teachers who we’ve been hanging out with more and more...they’re great!) in our Jazz Fest escapades.

The day got off to a rocky start when my old friend, Hangover, decided to pay Helen, Buffin and me a surprise visit. Apparently, when you graduate college, move to China and lose any semblance of a social life, your tolerance for alcohol begins to resemble that of a 15-year-old who mixes beer with blue Slurpee (you know who you are). Luckily, there is a food stand right by our apartment that sells a variety of greasy, carb-a-licious wonders to cure such a thing. So we trotted down the street in our PJs – to mix in with the jammie-clad locals, naturally – and got some scallion pancakes and roasted potato “breakfast burritos.” The only other time I’ve worn my watermelon nightgown in public was when Mary Stewart and I ended up at the Dobie Mall on UT campus during a desperate quest to find Gatorade the morning after a particularly rough night out. Sweet, sweet memories.

We kept things moving by mixing to-go screwdrivers before we headed out to Century Park in Pudong armed with backpacks consisting of tangerines, PB sammies and cheap beer. Our first stop was the jazz stage, where we spent the better part of the day. The weather was, in a word, perfection. Warm in the sun and cool in the shade with a decent breeze. We spread out J+B’s lovely sheet that was covered in mallards (one of the many glorious things they’ve uncovered in their apartment) and just...hung out.

As the afternoon wore on, we finally managed to convince the group to switch things up and head over to the rock & roll stage. These designated stage names were kind of bogus – we saw a salsa group playing here. Seriously, China. Can just one thing make sense, please? But I’m sure glad we went to this alleged “rock & roll” stage because we got to see a baby asleep in his stroller with a pack of ciggies and a beer in the sippy cup holders – classy and appropriate.

When the temperature dropped a good 15 degrees in 30 minutes, we decided to take that as Mother Nature’s way of telling us to go home. A bowl of noodles and one episode of Grey’s Anatomy later we were all tucked into bed. And that is how I spent one of my very favorite days in Shanghai.

There's No Place Like Home

I stole this idea from Buffin’s blog [which you can check out by clicking here]. Without further ado, and in no particular order, the abridged version of my “Things I Miss” list:

1. My bed, with its cotton-sateen sheets and memory foam mattress topper
2. Watching television on an actual television: Gossip Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, The Office, Saturday Night Live and anything on Turner Classic Movies or HGTV
3. My Blackberry
4. Being able to call my sister when I’m having a bad day (ten minutes on the phone with her and I’m good to go)
5. The cereal aisle at any given grocery store
6. Two words: wireless internet
7. Catching a late afternoon showing of a movie that no one else wants to see (let alone has even heard of) at The River Oaks with Paige
8. Any and all Mexican food (namely Jose’s dip from Molina’s)
9. My closet. Oh God, the heels. The glorious high heels.
10. Driving
11. The guaranteed ability to communicate with any given person on the street
12. Feeling clean. Like, really, truly clean.
13. BBMing with Mary Stewart about The Bachelorette, the previous night out and, obviously, boys
14. Early morning walks around Rice in the fall
15. Being up in Hunt with my family: floating on the Guadalupe, morning coffee on the back porch, inside jokes, a cooler that miraculously refills itself with Corona Light and sliced limes, prank wars, playing Apples to Apples, and leaving Criders early because the only people we really want to talk to are each other
16. Shopping at CVS and all that it entails – magazines, cheap makeup, new shampoo, gum...the list goes on
17. Chicken salad from The French House
18. “Cain and Abel’s?” text messages from Amy...at noon on a Sunday
19. Lazy afternoons on the couch with Phillip, including the inevitable fight over the furry blanket and laughing at each other's jokes like we are the most hilarious people in the world
20. DVR
21. The California Connection from Central Market
22. Texas Football and all that it entails (tailgating at Fiji, “Texas Fight”, sneaking in pocket shots, and a sea of burnt orange)
23. Being around someone as grounded and rational as Amanda (it's got to start rubbing off at some point, right?)
24. Spending hours at the “libarily” with Molly and Walker + long chats with Jenny (and hugs from all three)
25. The Wayside Room at HCC: Sunday brunch, Planter’s Punches, gazpacho, the avocado citrus salad, and the fact that I don’t have to pay
26. Being able to drink water straight from the faucet
27. Whiling away the afternoon on the Frazier couch, chatting with Allison, Greg and Jeannie (Gus, too). Plus, the mandatory popcorn.
28. My ionic hairdryer
29. My hair after using said ionic hairdryer
30. Treating myself to a new book at Borders
31. Ice cream in bed with Mallory
32. Breakfast for dinner and study snacks at the Kappa House
33. Summer sippin’ with Willie
34. Goode Company BBQ (lemonade and a chopped beef sandwich with onions, pickles and extra sauce, please)
35. Girls’ night in with Mamie when David is out of town (a Palazzo’s pizza, Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies and a good movie)
36. Strawberries. And blueberries. Oh, and raspberries and blackberries.
37. Soaking in the tub with a glass of red wine
38. Long walks with Frances (and then coming home to drink beer on the roof, watch Lost and devour the cookies/cake/muffins she’s whipped up)
39. Dinner dates with Dad and the pep talk that usually comes with them
40. The steam room and the snack counter at the HCC gym. The elliptical machines? Not so much.
41. I can’t believe I’m saying this...Lizzard’s, The Dillo, Vintage and The Gallant Knight. (Remind me of this when I’m back for a month and already complaining).
42. Therapy sessions with Rachel
43. Central air conditioning and heating
44. Falling asleep to the sound of my Hammacher Schlemmer noise machine. Better than Ambien.
45. A dryer and an oven (who knew appliances were so awesome?)
46. Brunch at Buffalo Grille and The Fountainview Café
47. Knowing for certain that the toilet is going to flush
48. Dancing to Taylor Swift with Mariann and David’s puppy, Jackson
49. Bluebell
50. Walking down the street and not being gawked at by every. single. person. that goes by

With that said, I will now go back to the happy life I lead in Shanghai – which, despite this list of wants, I do love very much. Because I know everything is right where I left it, and will be waiting for me when I get home in February. But if you happen to find out a way to ship queso to China, by all means, let me know.

Holiday In Beijing

Did you know that each year on National Day, when the entire population of China gets one week off for vacation, it’s the biggest migration of people in the world? Well, as you can imagine, that happens to make traveling pretty difficult. And it makes planning your vacation nearly impossible if you can only communicate with one person at the whole train station. I should probably buy the English-speaking teller at window no. 2 of the South Shanghai Railway Station a drink.

In fact, if the travel gods had gotten their way, Buffin and I wouldn’t have made it to Beijing at all. In a series of mishaps involving miscommunication, a lack of funds and the fact that a centralized computer system for the Chinese railway doesn’t exist, the train tickets we wanted to buy were sold out by the time we had everything figured out. The day that our travel snafus came to a head was my first bona fide ABCD (“A Bad China Day” – a term that Thomas introduced to us). Luckily, the stars aligned, and we were able to book a cheap one-way flight to Beijing and get an overnight train back to Shanghai. It would’ve been a damn shame, too, because our holiday in Beijing (with Helen and Elliot, travel companions extraordinaire) was exactly what the doctor ordered. This is a long one folks, so settle in. Here are the highlights:

• The Chinese Box: Our precious hostel was tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the capital city, down one of Beijing’s famous hutongs (alleys). I had never stayed in a hostel before, but Buffin (who traveled through Europe last summer and stayed at plenty) tells me that we got lucky. It was clean and quaint with a super friendly staff. Every morning, Joe (the hostel manager) would bring me my coffee with a design drawn into the froth. The Chinese Box also hosted a variety of free weekly activities, from a BBQ dinner to a walking tour of the area. We got the chance to participate in Friday’s dumpling party, and even made it back home from the day’s activities in time to help make them. I found out that I’m not so good at folding dumplings, but I am very helpful when it comes to consuming them. The hostel guests were all young and friendly, but we didn’t exactly pal around with any of them. With Helen, Elliot and Buffin around, making new buddies seems unnecessary and, quite frankly, unappealing. Countries of origin included America, Australia, England, Ireland and France. There was also a supremely creepy 60-something-year-old man who was Canadian by way of Finland. Naturally, he was in our room the first night. We had a “small world” moment when we realized that one of the guys staying at the hostel was not only from “Houston” (I have my suspicions he was really from one of the Cy or Spring what-have-you’s), but also a fellow Longhorn. Too bad he blew really hard. We also happened to share the hostel with a family of cats, who were something like local celebrities.

• Silk Street Market: When we first met up with Helen and Elliot we attempted to go to The Underground City, a series of tunnels that were built during the nuclear war panic of the 1970s. Even with Helen’s Mandarin skills we couldn’t find the place, so we went shopping instead. I don’t know what Elliot was thinking when he agreed to travel with three women. The Silk Street Market is bargain shopping at its finest. Helen bought some faux pearl earrings and candy red Ray-Ban Wayfarers. Elliot bought a belt because “he can’t stop losing weight over here” (I’m crying for you, really I am) and some brown checkered Ray-Ban Wayfarers. And thus The Ray-Ban Brigade was born (Buffin and I already had pairs with us). As for Buff, she made a big purchase of “Bulgari” eyeglasses. The prescription turned out to be too strong (girlfriend was a wee bit cross-eyed), so we “just had to go back” on our last day to get them fixed. On our second go round, I finally bought something (I get shopper’s panic in overwhelming situations) – postcards and red, flower-shaped, faux-coral studs. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

• Tiananmen Square: The weather for our entire trip was gorgeous, and the day we went to Tiananmen was no exception. Elliot got to Beijing before us and sent me a text message that read: “They made the weather here beautiful.” No really. They made it. Turns out the Chinese government set off these rocket-type deals that cleared the air of all the suffocating pollution for National Day (they did the same thing before the 2008 Summer Olympics). They can’t possibly be good for the environment, so thanks for taking one for the team, Mother Nature. Tiananmen (the largest public square in the world) was filled with floats from the previous day’s parade. This year’s National Day marked the 60th Anniversary of the People’s Republic of China and they were freaking their freak over it. Apparently, the number 60 holds special significance in Eastern culture. Each province had a float, and we had fun trying to guess which was which. It was curious that there was one for the “province” of Taiwan. Don’t want to get into too much detail about that since I’d like to return to America at some point, but Google it.

• The Forbidden City: After we’d had our fill of floats in Tiananmen, we crossed the street (which took about 30 minutes, because apparently all of China had the same brilliant idea to vacation in Beijing) to go see The Forbidden City. The entrance gate, which you have undoubtedly seen before on a China postcard, has a giant portrait of Chairman Mao Zedong (the founder of the PRC) hanging on it. Helen was feeling a little cheeky and got a picture diggin’ for gold in his nose. After walking through a series of identical, ornate entrances we were finally inside. I’m not going to mince my words here - it was kind of boring. So sue me. It was pretty, I’ll give you that, but it was just a lot of the same-looking buildings over and over. Elliot was determined to see this special clock exhibit, so we paid the extra 10 kuai to go in and it was a bust across the board. A room full of clocks. Thrilling. The Imperial Garden, which we walked through before the exit, was my favorite part. It was really beautiful – full of pagodas, massive rocks and ancient trees.

• The Lama Temple: Next up was the Lama Temple. It felt a little intrusive to be visiting as a tourist when so many other people were there to actually worship, but I managed to get a few choice pictures. There were some amazing statues of Buddha – one of which is in The Guinness Book of World Records for being carved from the trunk of a single sandalwood tree. It’s 26 meters high, and if you’re like me and your brain just doesn’t think in metric mode, let me assure you that it’s staggeringly tall. We didn’t stay there very long because we were pretty exhausted. I was game to leave since the fog of incense made me want to hurl. Looks like I can narrow down my man search to ones that aren’t Buddhist, Catholic or Episcopalian, because there’s no way I’m converting to a pro-incense religion.

• Peking Duck at Da Dong: I’m not exactly the most adventuresome eater when it comes to meat – especially when it’s on the bone. One of my dad’s favorite “Hallie Stories” to tell involves dinner at Smith & Wollensky, half a roasted chicken on the bone and lots of tears. Not my finest moment. But I’ve come leaps and bounds since then, because I can now say that Peking Duck is one of the most delicious things I’ve ever tasted. It’s right up there with Camp Mystic coffee cake and my mom’s chicken pot pie. There are a few different ways to eat the duck: plain, dipped in sugar (which makes it practically melt in your mouth), in a bun, or wrapped up in a crepe. The last option was my favorite, kind of a duck fajita. The plum sauce (or guacamole, if we’re sticking with this fajita metaphor here) was crucial. Oh, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. You have never seen happier campers than the four of us after that meal.

• The Site of the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics: Rounding out what had to be one of the most jam-packed days of my life, we navigated the Beijing metro system to the north of town where the Olympic stadiums are located. We were told to go at night because you can see them lit up in all their glory, and I’m so glad we listened. I have an only-slightly-inappropriate obsession with the Olympics (the NBC theme song gives me goosebumps), so I was really excited to see these things. Also, my cousin Michael made a special request that I take his Flat Stanley to the Bird’s Nest and the Water Cube, and you can’t say no to a kid as cute as “Rico.” [Side Note: Flat Stanley is a wee paper man that came to visit me in China as part of Michael’s third grade class project. We had quite a few adventures together, all of which were documented on camera for his class to see. If the Chinese weren’t already staring at me before, they sure were when I whipped out Stan for an impromptu photo shoot]. At this point in the day, we were all a little delirious – and we have the photographic evidence to prove it, too. There is quite the montage of us acting out Olympic sports in front of the stadiums. But the most hilarious part of the night was when Chinese people started asking us to take pictures with them. Once we had agreed to the first, it was like we had opened Pandora’s box. We should’ve started charging for those puppies. Buffin and I would be rollin’ in the RMBs, baby.

• The Great Wall: Far and away my favorite part of the trip, despite the fact that it whipped my butt better than even Jillian or Bob could (if you’re not watching The Biggest Loser, then you should be – that is quality television programming right there). The views were breathtaking, thanks to those weather rockets, and it was amazing to experience something I have always dreamed of doing. We woke up around 5 a.m. to take a two-hour bus ride out to the Jinshanling portion of the wall. From there, we hiked six miles to the Simatai section. I know that doesn’t sound bad, but trust me, it was painful. “Hiked” is probably not a strong enough word since half of the time we were using our hands, climbing like animals. For the most part, the stairs were practically at a 90-degree angle. Once at the top, you had to very carefully maneuver your way down the other side, which was just as steep. Sometimes you could tell that what you were walking on used to be stairs, but had pretty much disintegrated at some point over the wall’s 2,000-year life span. One set was particularly challenging; it was 103 steps in total and I counted every last one of them. Given both of our proclivities to eat shit, I am pretty shocked that neither Buffin nor I had a terrible accident. By the time we spotted the bridge (our final marker) in the distance, my legs had turned into Jell-o, my breathing was irregular and my mental state was shaky at best. We were very excited to partake in the “boofay” (buffet) lunch that our guide kept talking about. Sweet relief. After four hours together on The Great Wall, Helen, Buffin and I will always have a special friendship. I’m talking the kind of bond that soldiers forge during a war.

• The Overnight Train Back to Shanghai: This was a surprisingly pleasant experience. After a full day in Beijing, we boarded the train at 9:20 p.m. – but not before Buffin engaged in an epic battle with a middle-aged Chinese lady over a chair in the designated waiting area. The chair, as it so happened, was for me. Buffin, my knight in shining armor! It was, essentially, a tug-of-war and the valiant Buffin prevailed. She was gripping that sucker like it was one of Willy Wonka’s golden tickets. I will forever cherish that visual image. We booked seats in a soft-sleeper compartment (at 730 kuai a pop) and, lo and behold, discovered that we had the whole thing to ourselves. That is beyond rare. So we tucked ourselves into our little bunk beds (which had pretty decent white linens) and watched – just watched – Mr. and Mrs. Smith (it was dubbed in Chinese), wrote some postcards and indulged in a few of the gossip magazines that Jenny had sent me. We arrived back in Shanghai at 7:30 a.m. the following morning. Easy breezy. It would be my no-brainer, first-choice way to travel if I wasn’t such an insomniac. I got no more than five hours of sleep on that clickety-clackety train.

Is it possible to get nostalgic over something that happened only a few days ago? Because I think writing this just made that happen. So, Helen, Elliot and Buffin – who’s going to start making plans for our trip to Suzhou?